Painful Nostalgia.

I want to shrink.
I want that uncomfortable feeling of sand coating my hands and sneaking under my nails. I want to run until my legs fall off. I want to put sunscreen over my nose before I go out to play. I want to ask more questions. I want to wonder more. I want to be called in at dusk. The kind of dusk where you can taste the air. I want my family to be together. Not just together but, happy. I want my younger brother to be shorter than me again. I want to call on the kids down the street. I want to call first on the swing set. I want to scrape my knee. I want my hair to be in braids. I want to be a kid again. The knowledge of all of that being over is just...surreal. I can never get i back. It's gone, slipped through my fingers like jello. But a few pieces remain and mold themselves into my skin as painful nostalgia. I am no longer a child. I can finally reach the cookie jar, and for once, just once more time I'd like to have to climb.

The Edge,

Je pense que je pourrais être fini avec vous.

Monster.

Slowly but surely you're inching towards me.
Delicate, succulent, relaxed, inviting.
It's been a while, stranger.

You'll consume me eventually.

Insomnia.

I don't think I remember what a good night sleep feels like.

Lucky Man- The Verve

How many corners do I have to turn,
how many times do I have to learn?
All the love I have is in my mind.

I want to open you up.

I'm dying to know what you keep inside there.
I wish you'd let me in, at least a little.
Talk. To. Me.

There's nothing like a good sitcom on a bad day.

Thanks guys.

Deep at Sea.

"I am deep at sea.
I made myself break free
Of the anchor keeping me
Safe and sound in sanity,
Safe inside my old routine.

I am far from land.
I have left in my hand
A few grains of sand,
And I try to understand
The world in all its expanse.

Alone again, I hope to find
A greater kindness, peace of mind,
A faith, a joy in my core.
I leave my love on familiar shores.

I am deep at sea.
The waves roll over me.
Tossed among eternity,
I am as much as everything.
I am good for nothing.

Alone again, I hope to find
A greater kindness, peace of mind,
A faith, a joy in my core.
I head for some unknown shore.

I am deep at sea.
I am swimming. I am free.
A great love envelops me.
I feel a part of something.
This life, it is for living.

The truth is growing stronger.
My youth is getting farther.

I am deep at sea."

Those lyrics correlate immensely with my place in time. Or will more so in June. It's rather difficult to come to terms with the fact that a vastly important chapter in my life is ending. It's so scary to know that soon enough I will be completely on my own. But oh, the excitement. It's a huge, long, bumpy ass road. I actually have to start this car now. I've spent the last twelve years fixing it up, building it strong enough to endure the obstacles. I just hope I remember where I put the key, and I have enough courage to turn it.

Because, let's face it. I'm terrified. Bloody, terrified.

Swim, swim, swim.
There ain't a lifeguard in sight, it's time to save yourself.


The sun is rising this time.